Fuck antidepressants. Or don't. I don't know. I love them and I hate them.

This is my fifth day period, first day on a full dose. I'm not sure if I'm feeling it yet- my head feels great, but this could just be placebo effect, since most people don't feel it for a few weeks.

What I am feeling is side effects. Nausea, headache, drowsiness, really bizarre detachment (no, really. That song, "Little Red Riding Hood"? It came on the radio, and for some reason it terrified me. Maybe I was reading too much Why Women Hate Men/Psychotic Letters From Men. I don't know)... it's the flu sans aches and fever.

Hopefully, the side effects will wear off within the next week. Otherwise, I need to talk to my doctor about switching meds... which could be a problem, because it takes about a month for everything to feel 'even' on them, and I have to be back at school in a month. And I really, really need to be ready to go back to school in a month.

On a MUCH more exciting note, I'm flying to LA tomorrow, seeing Boosh on Tuesday, and flying back on Wednesday. Provided the side effects don't keep me home, of course.

One handprint shaped bruise on my arm
Five scratches on my wrist
One shattered toenail
One partially swollen lip where my tooth jammed it
One bit tongue
Uncountable bruises on my leg
One glorious scratch that may or may not scar
Two bruises from the front of each leg at about thigh-height from being pushed against the stage at the Andrew WK concert!

Verdict: Absolutely, 100% worth it. I was a bit tentative at first- there were signs on the door "no moshing" "no crowd surfing." Whatever, Clark University. You can't hold an Andrew WK concert without the mosh. I was front-and-center in the mosh (after some fighting), I rushed the stage, I got the drumsticks and then gave them away to Jerry (who was stuck working security and, therefor, didn't have a fighting chance.)

Yes, I touched Andrew WK.

Other ways that this was awesome: This was the first concert Andrew WK has played with his band in two years. So he's definitely going to remember it. He changed the lyrics to "I Love NEW YORK CITY" to "I Love MASSACHUSETTS". Also, we were sneaky on our contract and made sure that he actually played his OWN music, since he likes to fuck with people who can't write a contract by showing up wtih a full-string orchestra and reading poetry. Also, the Other Erin works for the committee that booked him, so she spent all day with him. Which helped me to get to spend some time with him, as well. And since her name is also Erin, it's sort of like Andrew WK knows my name. :) Sort of.

...

I have a final at 8:00 in the morning. Why did I think I'd be able to study after this? I am so sweaty.

OK.

The next person who starts singing "Cupid's Chokehold" while I'm humming "Breakast in America" gets a serious smacking. This has gone on long enough.

So... Primeval. It's one Myfanwy and a good dose of sexy away from being Torchwood, BUT...

I like it. The CGI is awful, and the acting is iffy at times. Transitions in it suck, and OMG dinosaurs? Still, the main character is a biologist. A BIOLOGIST. And... uh, pretty much my future. Blonde lizard lady? Future me.

Also, lots of running away from large dinosaurs. That bit's pretty cool as well.


---

I'm leaving for Worcester tomorrow morning, and I'm finally packed. It feels... crazy. Realy, really crazy. I had a hard time saying goodbye to eveyone last night. I don't think they really know just how much they've meant to me over this last year, especially with everything that's gone on. Being away from my parents is no big deal- I can cope fine without them. Being away from my friends... I'm far too reliant on them for my own good. I'm not worried about making friends, but the transition period won't be fun.

Mostly, though, that's just me being a bit dramatic. It's not an "I'm never going to see you again" thing, or a "maybe I won't make friends" thing. I'll make friends and I'll see them again. I'm just a bit... hedgy... about leaving my support network.

Harrison also gets the Awkward of the Year award. You can probably guess the why for that.

I just found out that it's an $8 rate to send twenty pounds of books all the way to Worcester.


FUCK YEAH. YESSSS.

Umm... I need to go pick out my books. Lots of them. THAT'S TWICE MY CAT'S WEIGHT IN BOOKS! (For everyone's information, I leave on Monday.)

BEST. FIRST TWO MINUTES OF A SHOW. EVER.

<3 Donna.

Feel free to ignore. Therapeutic stream of consciousness Erin venting. It helps.

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'90s David Tennant is officially the most adorable thing EVER.

Aunt Gayle just died.

Dad came down to tell me and I thought it was a sick joke. I was packing to see her- TOMORROW- and...

I don't know what's going on... if I need to still pack to go to LA, when I'm going, if... I was so happy to go and to be able to see her and get sushi with her friends.

I'm not any good at this and I don't know what to do. I was going to go out with friends tonight and I don't know f I still should, or what.

And this fucking comes after last night with Dad being a bastard and... shit. Just, fucking EVERYTHING.

She was my best friend.

This weekend was bizarre- all ups and downs. Harrison asked me out (Happy), Aunt Gayle went back in to ICU (sad), I got Harrison-hugs and boyfriendage because of it (Happy!), Mom went to LA (Sad.)

BUT: Now Aunt Gayle is back out of ICU again, in a seemingly miraculous way. She was supposed to die last night- I honestly thought she would- but, somehow, she's better. Even her kidney stone passed, and NO ONE EVEN NOTICED IT. This is awesome. In honor of this Awesome, here are some other things that make me happy:


This trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EEpcIUOr6cU

Boyfriends who are way to considerate. (Let's see how many times I can mention that I'm not single in one post, shall we?)

The fact that my boyfriend's name is Harrison, and he plays bass. Which makes me think of Harrison O'Rourke. >.>

Dannica's car is a Probe. When she's riding someone's bumper, she's probing their ass.

Watching kids run around a campground playing Marco Polo, and then shouting out Polo to mess them up. And THEN realizing that everyone is drunk and it's far more fun to play historical figure Marco Polo and shout out things like Margaret (Thatcher!), and having the kid that's playing Marco get all angry when she runs by, and point at you and go: "I already found you!"

My dog playing in the ocean.

Sea lions.

The last four weeks:

The doctors misred the MRI, and Aunt Gayle's other tumors weren't gone. She was re-hospitalized, and they removed the other six with laser surgery. She went home.

Over the weekend she was rehospitalized with a kidney infection. She only has one kidney. Then they said it was a urinary tract infection. In the end, she had a kidney stone in her urethra.

And hospitals can't diagnose. She's septic now, and in ICU. She's thrown up twice, they're giving her water intravenously.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sepsis

"mortality rates that range from 20% for sepsis to 40% for severe sepsis to >60% for septic shock."

And, oh! Mom's keeping me in the dark again. The kidney? Didn't know about that until Sunday. Mom knew on Friday. Just fucking peachy.

1) I like lists.

2) I had my last AP test today. AP bio. I got to talk about disappearing bees. (The explanation I gave had to do with pollution, but we all know that 'pollution' is code for ROSE TYLER.)

3) Had lunch with Zach, Connor, and Rachel. Zach needs to stop being WRONG.

4) Went out to Coldstone with David after the test. David officially gets the prize for being the most annoyingly ambiguous boy EVER. Seriously. Friends are fine, dating is fine. Awkward not really dating but picking me up for Coldstone (though it would have been easier for both of us if we both met) and then PAYING for it (even though I said now) and THEN proceeding to talk about the girl at school you like? NOT FINE. Boys are allowed to be nice, but they need to stop being ambiguous. Boys don't have that many layers.

5) My dog is snoring.

6) I really should be cleaning the house.

iTunes just added "Torchwood", "Little Britain", and "Robin Hood" to its television shows. Yay!

Of course, there's no Doctor Who, no Casanova (... because, umm... sure, it's not a real series, but... *guh*). Worst of all, though, the big background promo picture for Torchwood is seriously lacking. There is no Ianto.

*Cries*

Scores: Aynisha- 98.5

Meme yoinked from Aynisha who yoinked it from Wondergirl_Kate, modified instructions are also Aynisha's.

HOW WELL DO YOU KNOW ME? Answer the following questions and I'll let you know your score out of 100 (because Aynisha likes nice, round numbers and she added a question to bump up the total points value). Points are awarded based on either accuracy or how much they made me laugh. :D


(2 Points) My name:
(4 Points) My last name:
(4 Points) Am I in love...if so with who:
(1 Point) Where did we meet:
(6 Points) Take a stab at my middle name:
(3 Points) What am I afraid of:
(2 Points) Do I smoke :
(3 Points) Do I drink:
(3 points) Do you think I'm a virgin:
(1 Point) Do I have any siblings:
(2 Points) How many:
(2 Points) What's one of my favorite things to do:
(1 Point) How many piercings do I have:
(4 Points) How many tattoos do I have:
(3 Points) What's my favorite type of music:
(4 Points) Am I shy or outgoing:
(3 Points) Am I a rebel or do I follow the rules:
(2 Points) What's my favorite color:
(3 Points) Name something I hate:
(4 Points) Name a talent I have:
(4 Points) What's my phone number:
(4 Points) What kind of sneakers do I wear:
(4 Points) Do I have any pets:
(2 Points) Who am I dating/liking right now:
(5 Points) How long have I been dating/liking them:
(5 points) How tall am I:
(5 Points) What is my worst habit:
(5 Points) If I were stranded on a desert island, what would I bring:
(3 Points) What does my username mean and how did I come by it?

Mom's in LA now, or she will be soon. Aunt Gayle's recovery is going way faster than she expected, so she should actually probably be home before Mom even lands. This is good. :D

She's also able to form complete sentences now- most of her aphasia has gone away. She'll probably still need to see a speech therapist to get everything back to normal, but yeah.

Medicine today is amazing. Seriously- that they can cut someone's skull open, scrape out part of their brain, and send them home again a few days later is beyond amazing. Yay, science!

In other good news (because life does continue even when half of its falling apart) I probably maybe have a date for Prom. Not yet, but whenever I bring the subject up with Dannica or Colin they get shifty glances and say "well, yeah... umm..." and then run away right after, so I'm fairly certain they have someone in mind for me, nasty sneaks. :D

So, Aunt Gayle went in to emergency surgery this morning. There is good news, and there is bad news- lots of both.

Bad news: They didn't have enough time to get her to the hospital with the gamma knife, so they went with the traditional slice-and-dice approach.

Good news: They went with the traditional slice-and-dice approach. This is much, much more dangerous, but it's definitely good news. Before radiation and chemotherapy, they said that that tumor (in her frontal lobe) was inoperable. That's why they didn't remove it when they removed the one in the back of her brain, or any of the other small ones. The other small ones are totally, completely gone (we think- the doctor couldn't see them. There used to be five) and this one had shifted in such a way that it's operable.

Bad news: The surgery took a long time, and was 'difficult'.

Good news: Aunt Gayle came out of it okay. Mostly.

She still can't talk- her aphasia is still there. She can understand what people say and think of the words, but she can't say it. This will, hopefully, go away as she recovers. It's the symptom that told us something was wrong, so... She'll be in Intensive Care a while longer, and then she'll go home. Mom is going down to see her on Saturday, and wants to be back in time for my Prom. I don't think this is necessary, but she wants it. Cathy is going to come down to take over for her the day before, so Aunt Gayle should have someone with her at all times.

Overall, I think this is actually a good thing. That's how it's looking now. If there aren't any complications from the surgery, than that means that she doesn't have any more brain cancer, thanks to the full brain radiation and the temodar chemo pills. So, they can start focusing on the tumors in the rest of her body and she can enter in to the trials that she wanted. It's good that they just got that bastard out of her head- how doesn't matter now that it's gone.

Mom got off the phone with the doctor. Her front tumor- the one they couldn't reach- is hemorrhaging. This is causing swelling, which is causing the cognitive problems. They're putting her back on steroids to help with the swelling, taking another CT scan, and then we'll know more about the rest tomorrow.

If Mom is leaving, she's leaving tomorrow at 3:00 PM. It's midnight, and I'm going to sleep. I can actually think about what all of this implies tomorrow.

Aunt Gayle is back in the hospital. I don't know why yet, but I should soon.

We got a call from Cousin Cathy today- saying that she'd talked to Gayle on the phone and Aunt Gayle had sounded weird- like her talking had been off. Mom called her, heard the same thing, but thought that maybe she was just stressed. So, then we figured, okay- she's going to see Gene and Bob Murrett (her best friends- she's their kids' godmother) tomorrow. If she's off, Gene will be able to tell, since we're up here in Oregon.

We went to Capitol Steps. It was fun.

Then, we came home and checked the messages. There was one- a long one- from Cousin Cathy, who is amazing and looks out for Aunt Gayle every step of the way. She said that she had called Carl, a guy Aunt Gayle plays Bridge with, and he said that she had missed her Bridge tournament. Then Cathy called Jay, her boyfriend, and Jay went and checked on her- but only after finding out where she was. He had asked her if she was where they had planned to meet (Jay was there, she wasn't) she said "yes." Then he asked her if she was at home- she thought about it, and said "yes." Then he took her to the E.R.

So, Mom called him. And then they talked, and we didn't know stuff and people knew stuff and everything was confusing. Mom might be going to LA tomorrow, which would mean I'd be home alone. I took a shower, while Mom waited for Jay to call back up.

She's talking to Jay or the doctor or someone right now. I don't know who- I'm waiting for her to get off the phone so we can talk. But you know when you get that feeling? I have that feeling now- that, if Aunt Gayle is dead in the morning, I won't be surprised feeling. I don't want that to be the case at all, but... it just, everything feels that way.

Just killing time now. She needs to get off the phone soon.

Random thoughts as I watched, all below the cut.
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I'm waiting for Doctor WHo and Torchwood to download, so in the meantime, I'll do this.

Friday and Saturday were the districts Forensics competition. My debate partner, Shivers, still sucks, (more on this later) but despite this, we've managed to go on and completely demolish.

Seriously? Marist cleaned up in every event. Two of our teams tied for first with two of Willamette's in debate (we all went 4-1, because of Weird Quirky Things), and then, in the IE's, the wins just kept raking in.

I was doing Extemporaneous and Humorous Interp/Memorized Humorous. Before we even started, we had three people going to State. Leeann went for Libiell (the only person competing) and Pat and Alice also defaulted in for Dramatic Interpretation/Memorized Serious. So that's three. The two teams from debate makes five.

Caleb got first (or maybe second?) in Prose, Shivers made third. They're both going to State. So that's seven.
Colin got second in ADS. He's going to State. Zach is the alternate for ADS at State- he got third. That's six and an alternate.
Harrison won second in Radio, and Pat won third. They'll both be going to State. That's eight and an alternate.
Alex got second in Impromptu. He's going to State. Ty got third, and he's the alternate. That's nine and two alternates.
Blain Patrick got second for his Original Oratory. That's ten to state.
And I got second for my Memorized Humorous, so that's eleven.

We filled ELEVEN events in State! We could actually win this! If we win State, we get a banner in the gym with all of the sports teams.

Now, some anger and some ranting and some extreme detail on Debate below the cut.
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Overall, I'm happy. We DID kick ass, even if Shivers consistently scored lower speaker points than me. Which isn't surprising, but I'm sick and tired of having a partner that I need to drag along behind me.