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26 June 2008 @ 07:19 pm
Feel free to ignore. Therapeutic stream of consciousness Erin venting. It helps.

How does Colin always know when I'm miserable? Seriously.

Today... I just... I fell apart. Ifeel shitty in a way I can't even begin to articulate. I haven't eaten, because there's nothing in this house I CAN eat. I've barely left the room...

I tried to get a jump on this on Tuesday. I knew... I've been holding together, for Mom. And, apparently, I'm supposed to be here for Dad, too, since "he's grieving in his own way," but... today, every single tear that I haven't cried since Friday came out, and it feels awful. I'm supposed to be here for Mom and Subba and Jay and Dad, but somewhere along the line, everyone forgot that I needed someone, too. There's not enough of me left to even be here for ME.

Tuesday, I knew this would be coming up. I needed my friends SO BADLY, *so badly*, and I need to have time alone- but time alone out of this house. I.. just, being here- I can't feel better when everything around me reminds me of Aunt Gayle.

So I knew on Tuesday that I needed to get out, and I talked to Mom, and she said that when she picked up the car from the shop, she would give it to me and I could go drive somewhere. But then yesterday, Mom picked up the car, and she really needed help- and apparently forgot that I needed to leave. So I stayed and took care of her.

But today, I COULD leave, but I can't. I almost made it out, and then Mom decided that I'd been doing... something, which she realized later that I hadn't, and I couldn't take it. I told them all of this- that I need someone to take care of me... and they just LEFT. Too busy and stressed taking care of Aunt Gayle's business. A hug and "go shopping" is supposed to be enough- forgetting that little Erin is sad, too. I'm not a friend who didn't know Gayle who flew down to keep Mom company and help. I'm not the nurse. I'm none of that- I'm her NIECE, and the only person she trusted enough to tell about Jay. I feel too horrible to even move, like if I do something other than lie here I'll start crying again and I hate crying. Which is what I've spent about the last four hours doing- and I'd just managed to stop, and Colin called.

Colin reminded me why I need my friends so much. When Aunt Gayle got sick, I probably couldn't have handled it without my friends. If it wasn't for Shivers checking in on me via text every half hour, and Lizzie, Rachel, and Caleb sending me random happy things on facebook... Colin hadn't even talked to me- I didn't even know he knew. He just called me up and said, "You feel like shit, don't you," and I said yes. And now I feel a hell of a lot better. I don't feel good, but I feel better.

I just want to sleep, but I can't sleep. I just... I really, really need to be back in Oregon right now with my friends to take care of me. I need it so badly.
Know me: draineddrained
aynisha: drwho - 9 hugsaynisha on June 27th, 2008 04:32 am (UTC)
Oh honey, I'm so sorry. I wish so much that I could be there for you. If I could, I would be on a plane in minutes. As it is, I'm stuck here, with AIM and a mobile. I seriously mean it, anytime you need someone to listen to you or give you some love, IM me or text me (1-204-801-1389) and I will call you back ASAP.

You are an incredible person to have held yourself together for this long, to try and be the strong one for the rest of your family. I admire you and love you so much. I know you're going to be okay; it's just going to take time and tears and the occassional breakdown, and your friends (myself included) are going to be there to help you through every moment of it. <3
Rawr.samwe1 on June 29th, 2008 10:46 pm (UTC)

Oh Erin. I wish I could be there to help.